10 Ways The Love Island Contestants Are Just Like My Toddlers

By: Alex Harmon, ellaslist 

It’s pure trash, it goes against every feminist fiber in my body, it’s a raging dumpster fire and yes I can’t look away. I’m talking about Channel 9's Love Island. Why do I keep tuning in? I DON’T KNOW!

But one thing I do know is that my day spent with toddlers isn’t all that different from an evening spent with these scantily clad contestants looking for love – or is it attention? They are so much like toddlers I want to wrap them up in a blanket to keep them warm. Let me count the ways… 

They are so needy!

All they do all day, apart from playing with pool toys, is desperately try to couple up with someone. They are needier than the baby bird in the book Are You My Mother? But, depsite the name of the show, this isn’t about love, it’s about finding a security blanket – the security blanket being another few days in the villa to really cement their celebrity status and Instagram following. I want to shout at the telly, he’s not worth it! You don’t need him! Stop following her to the bathroom! But then I realise toddlers these contestants literally cannot survive on their own.

Their inane conversations

I know, so obvious, compare their IQs, how judgemental. But, come on. "What's your favourite colour" is actually how these contestants get to know each other. They literally have fights about their favourite colours. I never knew adults took their colours so seriously. Maybe I should be asking my friends? Or myself? Oh god I don’t have a favourite colour anymore! Help!

They never eat

Look, I’m probably the only person who wants to see a hot person stuffing their face. But do they ever eat on this show? Isn't the best banter had at the dinner table? (Yes I learnt this cool new word from the show). On Love Island the eating NEVER HAPPENS. The only time I’ve ever seen them with food is when they took that embarrassing excursion to the market to buy ingredients for tapas (“tapapatapas?!”) which they had no idea how to pronounce. My theory: like toddlers, these contestants are fussy AF. 

They fight over people like toys

Everyone wants a cuddle off the big dim teddy bear Dom. He gets yanked around so much I am worried his stuffing is going to come out. Millie is the shiny Barbie doll that all the boys want to play with for about two minutes until they see something better come along, like a beetle. She was actually overshadowed by a bug in one episode. These toddlers are so possessive over their toys, too – god forbid someone comes in and wants to play with blonde Barbie! "S/he's mine," is muttered pretty much every episode. And every time I hear the toy box open at home. 

They’re always taking selfies

Ever picked up your phone and found a camera roll full of close-ups of your toddler's nose? Same thing here, except replace nose with epic cleavage. Why do these kids even have phones??

Their hairless bodies

These people’s bodies are as smooth as a toddler’s butt. Seriously, where’s the chest hair? Did they all get waxed as they passed through Spanish customs? And why do all the girls wear wedgie-giving bikinis? This is what happens to me when I go down a waterslide. Is this fashion? Oh god I am so old! 

It’s high emotion in the house

The fights, the tears, the cuddles, it’s a high emotion rollercoaster day and night – remind you of anyone at home?
 

They can't escape 

They’re packed into this villa tighter than a backyard at an illegal family daycare centre. No wonder they fall in love with each other, it's basically Stockholm Syndrome. My son also falls in love with every girl at his daycare. Because that is as much of the outside world that he knows. He knows NO ONE ELSE because he is a prisoner of my own making. 

Their parties go for 2 hours

Has anyone else noticed this? Like a three year old’s birthday party in the park from 12-2pm, the producers only let these guys have fun for a couple of hours in good lighting. They never really get to let their hair down, just a few slow-mo shots of them dancing by the pool with a fruity cocktail and then it’s over. Do they not trust them to get stuck into the free Smirnoff? Are the RSA laws that strict over in Mallorca? Anyone who has watched British reality shows knows that they are PILED with booze to ensure the drama ensues. I suppose, as any parent would tell you, toddlers can’t be trusted with red cordial near the white pool lounges.

 

No one can keep a secret

You know who else can’t? Yeah, you guessed it - my toddlers. The gossip, the lies, the candid convos about the revolving door of hairless contestants. The drama never stops because there's nothing else to do but talk about each other. Imagine if I didn't let my kids watch PJ Masks, they'd never stop talking either! 

 

Love me, need me, shower me with attention at all times

 

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